Why on earth am I doing this? Why now? Deep breath…

Trigger Warning : Brief mention of car accident.

I am anxious as hell starting this. Ok, I am no stranger to sharing vulnerabilities, secrets, personal revelations in a public forum. I am a writer ( accepting that title has taken YEARS of kicking imposter syndrome in the face). I am an advocate for others ( careleavers, survivors of sexual violence, neurodiversity etc), and have been known to occassionally take on acting roles where I actively encourage my audience to believe I am a dominatrix and/or shout “CUNT!” at me. (See: The Vagina Monologues by V (formally Eve Ensler) ).

So… why the anxiety?

Quite apart from the fact that anxiety has always been a part of the Kim mix; sharing again, after the last 12 months, brings with it a metric shit tonne of constantly changing ingredients that I am hoping this blog can organise into a new recipe for a happy, stronger, balanced life.

One thing is for sure, I can’t go back to the life or version of myself that existed pre 16: 50 , November 2nd 2022. I am changed. I am still changing.

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The Accident

Just over a year ago, I was hit by a dangerous driver who ran a red light and hit me at just over 30mph. As I write this, I am still in recovery/ rehabilitation, the civil case is still ongoing. The police have messed up the case and the driver will not be charged. There’s alot of hard stuff to unpack, but I am finding more and more “glimmers” or, for a phrase more personal to me; sunflowers.

I’ll go into more detail in another post, but to summarise, here is a list (I love a list!) of how the accident has affected my life so far:

• Up until about two months ago (?) I was on two crutches. Now I am on one! AWOOHOO! I walk pretty slowly and get tired pretty quickly… but I am working on it! I have a fab physio. (Who looks like Jennifer Garner, incidently).
• I had a “minor” traumatic brain injury. I use air quotes because, well, minor is the medical term and as lucky as I feel that it was not worse, the reality of a minor TBI doesnt/hasnt felt particularly minor. See: Broca’s Expressive Aphasia, brain fog, confusion, lethargy, poor memory, mood swings).
• Sleep apnea and a deviated septum.
• Chronic Pain (Greater Trochanter pain syndrome).
• PTSD, depression and anxiety.
• Insomnia and nightmares.
• Ending a relationship (which in hindsight, was a sunflower in disguise).
• Debt.
• Closing a company I opened a month before.

What a depressing fucking list. I’m fine. I’m totally fine. *insert anxious laughing in a “oh-fuck-please-don’t-think-I’m-depressing” way*

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Why Sunflowers?

So, I’ll go into this one in more detail elsewhere but, in a nutshell,… sunflowers are fucking awesome.

My Nan’s favourite flowers were sunflowers. “They are jolly things.”

She taught me how the sunflower follows the sun across the sky, even on a cloudy day. I did not fully appreciate, as a younger person, just how much this concept meant to her.

As I grew up, my Nan ( endearingly nicknamed Nana Baggins due to her ever shrinking stature, white hair and living in the Shire) became more than a grandparent. We were besties, soul mates, bosom friends ( a reference to our mutually adored Anne of Green Gables). It was only in the last decade of her life that I fully understood how intrinsic the concept of hope and growth was to her character.

Whether it was “Singin’ in the rain”, the final passage of George Eliot’s Middlemarch or her passion and respect for nature… Nan had overcome so many personal tragedies and heartbreaks that she had learned the imperativeness of finding hope and nurturing it.

I have two sunflowers tattooed on my right ankle as a constant reminder of Nana Baggins and the enduring love, strength and hope she still blesses me with everyday. Though full- disclosure, when she saw the tattoo she thought it was a bruise.

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Finding the sun

I want to overcome the anxiety (ok, straight up dread) of sharing this journey in an effort to document my own healing and perhaps helping others.

I won’t just be writing about the accident and the aftermath, but other bits too. Including:

• PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoria Disorder)
• Creativity and the Arts
• Care experience
• Peace in grief
• Sex and wellbeing

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Until next time… xxx